Conan Exiles Won’t Have Physics-Based Penises On Xbox One, PS4
Conan Exiles Dong
(Last Updated On: March 12, 2017)

Funcom plans to make some concessions for Conan Exiles on the home consoles: you won’t be able to have physics-based schlongs swinging around freely in the wind, slapping foliage as you run through the fields, and pounding dirt as you harvest and till.

In an interview with Gamespot, it was revealed that the bologna punching bags in Conan Exiles that dangle like wrecking balls from cranes, won’t be making an appearance in the home console versions of the game. Creative director Joel Bylos told the gaming outlet…

“It means that on consoles, it won’t work. The nudity filter will be off. You won’t be able to choose it. I haven’t been in the process with Xbox for a while, but I think maybe boobs are okay on Xbox? So maybe we’ll get partial nudity in? But, I don’t know. We haven’t started the process.


“The thing I think is quite interesting is, it’s not a sexualized game–there’s not a whole lot of focus on the sex part. So I don’t know. It’s seems quite innocent to me. I know we talked about it, definitely. That’s why we have the “turn-off” on servers, because A, some people don’t want to play and have their kids see dicks in the background, and B, we knew that one day on consoles we’d have to set them to off anyways.”

The reason for the excision of nudity is that they probably want to keep the game rated ‘M’ for Mature. Anything higher and it’s not going to see the light of day on home consoles. Some of you might be aware that in the PC version of Conan Exiles a lot of people like running around buck naked, killing other players and tea-bagging them using their well-endowed, physics-based schlongs.

You can click through the NSFW image below to see the full thing.

And yes, the schlongs do dangle and wobble in the wind like the most masculine wind chimes you’ll see blowing from the awing of a porch.

It’s not hard to imagine that given the game’s already violent content, adding in the endowment slider would likely push the rating over the top into the Adults Only territory for home consoles.

According to On MSFT, Microsoft clarified that they’re willing to allow Conan Exiles onto the Xbox One Game Preview program once the ESRB gives it an acceptable rating, with a rep stating…

“The statement made by Funcom about “Conan” content being altered at the discretion of Microsoft was inaccurate. Microsoft and Xbox abide by the policies and guidelines set forth by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) rating system. Funcom has submitted “Conan Exiles” for review to the ESRB and pending its receipt of an acceptable rating we look forward to publishing the game on Xbox.”

Whatever rating the game gets for the Xbox is what it’ll get for the PS4 as well. It’s likely that they’ll try to play it safe and keep the drooping dude dongs out of the game for home consoles.

The real question is: Will bare boobs still be present? Well, boobs have been present in God of War games, Shadow of the Damned, Dante’s Inferno and plenty of other titles that managed to escape with an ‘M’ rating, so it’s possible that bare boobs could still make an appearance.

As soon as Conan Exiles gets approved by the ESRB you can expect to see it on the Xbox One’s Game Preview catalog, and once Funcom fixes up the title and gets everything running clean and pristine, you can then expect to see a completed version launch on the PS4.

At the moment, the game is available right now over on the Steam store via Early Access.

(Main image courtesy of La Fourache)

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Billy has been rustling Jimmies for years covering video games, technology and digital trends within the electronics entertainment space. The GJP cried and their tears became his milkshake. Need to get in touch? Try the Contact Page.