Universal Pictures’ latest outing for Vin Diesel’s two-decade long franchise is set to hit theaters this year, and it’s as ridiculous as it’s ever been. This time around they’ve replaced The Rock and Jason Statham, both of whom went off to make Hobbs & Shaw, with John Cena and the return of Sun Kang as Han.
The near four minute trailer is filled to the brim with silliness, but only after attempting to hook viewers with what looks like a dramatic family tale involving Vin Disel’s Dominic Toretto. It starts with some sentimental moments but then quickly ramps up when it’s discovered that John Cena has entered the picture, who is an expert driver and a thief, and he also happens to be Toretto’s long lost brother…?
That last part literally makes no sense whatsoever, and the trailer doesn’t even bother to clear up exactly how that all works. Instead it tarps viewers with a deluge of inordinate action sequences that make about as much sense as the return of Han. You can check out the trailer for yourself below, courtesy of FilmSelect Trailer.
This movie series has gone way off the rails.
Where Hobbs & Shaw seemed to be a return to classic, bad-action buddy-up movies, Fast and Furious 9 is like some kind of Frankenstein collage of ridiculously over-the-top action beats that literally make no sense.
Apparently Toretto and his brother have super human strength, as the two of them blast each other through walls, over cars, and off of bridges, yet somehow survive without a scratch.
Toretto also somehow manages to become an expert in gun-fu, as showcased in an equally ridiculous scene where John Cena – draped in what looks like Vanilla Ice gangster attire straight out of a 1990s John Singleton film – and Vin Diesel’s Toretto engage in a rather hilarious looking Mexican standoff.
Cena seems to be doing his darnedest to look menacing and tough. And perhaps had the plot not been so ludicrously cartoonish it could have worked.
A half-brother who is also in the criminal underworld of racing? Perhaps seven and a half movies ago this could have worked as a decent threequel plot that involved underground racing, car-betting, and a few solid, non-CGI police car chases. However, nine movies and one sci-fi spin-off later, and we have a plot about two super-soldier tier street racers engaged in international privatized mercenary affairs headed up by a former super-model and her rogue gallery of faceless henchmen.
It’s, as I said, cartoony.
To top it all off we have some of the most inscrutable action sequences put to film, including jeeps driving across a disintegrating bridge held together by tribesmen-quality rope-work, and an equally comical follow-up sequence where Torretto manages to use that tribesman rope to rappel his vehicle across a cliff after John Cena managed to blast off a cliff and get picked up by Charlize Theron using a magnet crane at the bottom of a stealth bomber.
I guess if people are going to be silly enough to keep buying tickets to watch this nonsensical silliness, then Hollywood will just keep pumping them out.
And that’s not even getting into the huge plot-hole involving Han having died way back in Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift. But I’m sure if they can get a car to grapple between two islands using a broken bridge rope, I’m sure they can explain how Han miraculously returned from the dead.
Also, don’t expect John Cena to stay the villain for long. Fast and Furious movies have a tendency of pulling a Dragon Ball Z and adding their villains to their ever-growing roster of “good guys”, so don’t be surprised if the two brothers find some kind of common ground and hug it out before the credits roll to setup some sort of buddy-up plot in Fast and Furious 10: Wheelchairs On Fire.